When tragedy strikes — suddenly, violently, and without warning — lives are forever altered.

In the immediate aftermath of a traumatic loss, there’s often an outpouring of care: casseroles on doorsteps, vigils at sunset, kind words from strangers. But then the crowd disperses, and yet the grief — and the trauma — remain.

For the person/people left behind, a sudden and traumatic loss is not only a heartbreak but also a shock to the nervous system. They may feel numb one moment, flooded with sorrow the next. Memories of what happened can intrude at unexpected times, and their sense of safety in the world may feel shattered.

It is in these long, quiet weeks and months that your steady, compassionate support can be especially meaningful.

Here are some ways to offer comfort and care that truly help, without adding to their emotional burden.

When tragedy strikes — suddenly, violently, and without warning — lives are forever altered.

In the immediate aftermath of a traumatic loss, there’s often an outpouring of care: casseroles on doorsteps, vigils at sunset, kind words from strangers. But then the crowd disperses, and yet the grief — and the trauma — remain.

For the person/people left behind, a sudden and traumatic loss is not only a heartbreak but also a shock to the nervous system. They may feel numb one moment, flooded with sorrow the next. Memories of what happened can intrude at unexpected times, and their sense of safety in the world may feel shattered.

It is in these long, quiet weeks and months that your steady, compassionate support can be especially meaningful.

Here are some ways to offer comfort and care that truly help, without adding to their emotional burden.

Simply witness their pain

When someone experiences a traumatic loss, usually what they don’t need is advice, solutions, or even cheerful distractions — usually what is deeply meaningful is when someone is simply a witness to them and their pain.  I’ll explain what I mean:

You don’t have to have the “right” words. In fact, there are no right words. What helps is your presence:

“I can’t imagine how heavy this must feel, but I’m here with you.” (I’m with you)
“I see how much you loved them, and how much you’re hurting.”  (I see you and your pain)

Saying their loved one’s name, acknowledging the tragedy directly, and allowing silence are all deeply healing.  Try not to be afraid to sit in silence with someone who is grieving.  It could be a great relief to them, as others struggle to fill the space.

Understand that grief and trauma live in the body

After a traumatic loss, people often feel disoriented — forgetful, irritable, exhausted, unable to concentrate. They may seem jumpy or avoid situations or places that remind them of what happened. These are normal responses to an overwhelming event.

Your patience and understanding help soothe the nervous system. Avoid rushing them to “move on” or “stay strong.” Healing happens in its own time.

Take the lead — don’t make them work harder

One of the kindest things you can do is remove the burden of decision-making and asking for help. When we say, “Let me know if you need anything,” we unintentionally shift the responsibility onto them — at a time when even small tasks may feel impossible.

Instead, offer specific support that they can simply accept:

• “I made soup. Is today or tomorrow better to drop it off?”
• “I’m heading to the grocery store — I’ll grab some basics and leave them by your door.”
• “Would you like me to walk with you tomorrow? Or just sit with you?”

When you step in gently, you let them rest, which is part of their healing.

Keep showing up — especially on hard days

The grief does not end when everyone else goes back to their routines. In fact, feelings of loneliness often deepen as time passes.

Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and the date of the tragedy may feel especially raw. Even ordinary days can bring sudden waves of sadness.

Mark those dates on your calendar. Send a message. Offer a visit. Your ongoing presence sends the message: You are not forgotten. They are not forgotten.  You are important to me.

Offer calm companionship & timely relief

For many, trauma brings with it an unsettling silence — friends stop calling because they don’t know what to say, or they worry about saying the wrong thing.

You don’t have to fix anything. Just being there — sitting quietly, taking a walk, watching a movie, helping with chores, mowing the lawn, sending a text or call — can help regulate their nervous system and remind them they are not alone.

It’s also important to remember they are more than their grief.  People who are grieving need permission, at times, to find relief from the heavy burden which grief and bereavement become and the toll they can take on us.  Brief yet important reprieves when they are ready (dinner together, playing tennis or golf, taking a walk, seeing a movie, even laughing) can provide their system with a little bit of relief so they can endure carrying their grief as they move forward.

Encourage help when they’re ready

Some people may benefit from grief counseling or trauma therapy when they feel ready. You can gently offer to help them find resources, but avoid pushing. Even just planting the seed — “When and if you want to talk to someone, I can help you find a good therapist” — can be reassuring.

Grieving a traumatic loss is not something to “get over.” It’s something to carry — and to learn how to carry — with time, support, and care.

When you show up — quietly, consistently, and without making demands — you become part of their healing. You remind them:

You don’t have to do this alone. We are here with you.